I sometimes watch English language teachers doing their thing on youtube for the purpose of asking myself if their yammering actually helps anyone gain a better understanding of a complicated language, or rather, as I find is usually the case, these channels are little more than panhandling with a posh accent. There is a carny air to any any channel with the alarming combination of “English” “speak” and “native” in its title as it skirts the issue of what a “native” is “supposed” to sound like. Is a double-negative dropping Londoner any better or worse than, say, a Liverpudlian, or, for that matter, a good ole boy from Tennessee, or a Singaporean with British parents? All are “native” (and how archaic and otiose that word sounds) English speakers, but they all speak very different “Englishes”, to use a Crystalism – we’ll get to him later. “Native speaker” is a meaningless term, but one that still bears undue weight. A speaker of any foreign tongue should never attempt/aspire to sound like a “native” because such beings do not exist; it is a fool’s errand, a quixotic quest. Nevertheless, there is a delusion that being taught by a native, on youtube or otherwise, has some sort of cache, that these deities have an innate magic lantern that will illuminate the language for any mark seeking social status.
Allow me to share my wisdom, achieved, partially and piecemeal, of explaining modal verbs, the present perfect tense, relative clauses, comparative adjectives and all the rest for the past 10 years. It is abundantly clear that where one was born has no effect whatsoever on the degree of knowledge imparted to one’s students. To argue so would not only make one a candidate for mediocracy, but also an undercover eugenicist. Good teachers, of English or any subject, could be born on the moon; subject knowledge, a bond with the class and an ability to make the theoretic practical are really all that matter. And no, this doesn’t involve ripping up the textbook and having the students stand on desks hailing you as the messiah.Teachers may share certain traits with other performers – priests, comedians, prostitutes, circus geeks etc. – but the good ones aren’t in it out of a misplaced desire to “help people”, nor does anybody get into teaching out of lust for fortune and glory. It is a chosen profession, perhaps because all other options have been exhausted, but chosen nonetheless. It isn’t a calling, or a “gift”, but an experience-based craft, chosen out of a selfish desire to be listened to and understood. This, however, can yield delicious fruit for all.
Bloviation done, on with the good stuff. What happened was that an English teacher youtuber, Lucy, was accused of causing offense for making a video titled “Avoid Mispronouncing These Words If You Want To Sound Professional And Intelligent” (since deleted). It was a popular video that garnered nary a murmur of complaint until some time later when she was Called Out by another youtube English teacher. The effect on Lucy was dramatic, to the extent she stopped posting her videos on idioms and stuff for an extended period of time, several months, which is decades in the social media realm. I only noticed the unfortunate events when she made her non-triumphant return to the platform, posting a regretful video in which self flagellation occurred. I had to watch it, youtube told me to. She had experienced the worst thing any online figure can: she was publicly shamed. You don’t need to be Jon Ronson to know that this a Bad Thing that can have terrible consequences for the recipient. Her crime? As alluded to in the first paragraph, it was that she dared to speak in Received Pronunciation and posit that pronouncing certain words in a certain non-RP way would make the naive speaker wannabe look bad, or poor, or thick, or less of a native speaker or whatever. Wrong, yes, but hardly a Myra Hindlyesque repudiation of social duty. So far, so standard online performative outrage with an undeserving victim. But there’s more.
In her apology video Lucy films herself facing the camera centre screen with her hands clasped protectively in front of her, totemic wedding ring to the fore. She describes, in a tone usually employed by unfaithful politicians, “accent discrimination” as “the biggest mistake I’ve ever made” and states, “I am angry at the way I have been making people feel.” Grave words indeed. She explains that the title of her offensive video was chosen because “intelligent” and “professional” are “buzz words” that attract viewers. She then explains her epiphany that the flip side of the video title is that anyone mispronouncing the 10 words she picked would, therefore, not be intelligent or professional-sounding and the self-harm rate would thus sky rocket. Presumably. We don’t really get any specific examples of the consequences of her reckless actions, just a vague idea that she made some people “feel bad”. Which people, I wonder? Virtually all her comments are glowing endorsements. Her audience certainly seems to like her, although I imagine some of her traffic is gained not because of her teaching ability but because of her appearance – the comments below in many of her videos would tend to bear this out.
Towards the end of the 3:27 video (which attracted 876,000 views and over 12,000 comments mostly of the “PC gone mad” variety) Lucy announces, with renewed confidence, that, “This is now my period of learning.” because it’s 2020 and that’s the kind of guff people caught with their hand in the cookie jar feel obliged to utter. She says that she has “arranged conversations with some of the experts that have criticised me” because these days having a conversation is deemed the elixir to all that ails society, then, while somehow keeping a straight face, she declares, “I want to use my platform for good.” I’ll just let that hang for a moment. This, reader, is the dreadful consequence of forcing people to apologise when they shouldn’t have to – it martyrs them and through the medium of public apology. In this case, it can apparently beatify. Lucy concludes her speech with the preposterous, “To those who criticised me, thank you. You’re trying to effect positive change (pause) and I want to do that too.” Well, thanks for that, Obama. Notably, the short video has several edits – how long did it take to get just that right note of solemnity? Only a native speaker would know the answer.
The Bottle Dungeon 